I don't think I've ever had a real friend. Maybe in elementary school, before a person is aware of what it is to be a friend. When you are naturally just a friend. You like somebody because you do. You are intensely loyal to them because you are. Because you laugh and play together. Because you yell and fight together. Because you want good things for them because you do. Because you are jealous of them for nothing and happy for them for nothing. Because that is what you do. Maybe in elementary school. Maybe not.

     I don't think I've ever had a real thought. Maybe by accident, before a person is aware of what thinking is. When you naturally have original thoughts because there was nothing to make them unoriginal. Before your relatives squeeze their thoughts into your head. Before your "friends" force their style and mannerisms onto your own. Don't get me started on the newsteacherscartoonspriestscomicbooksdoctorsbooksneighbors counselorstextbooksTVbabysittersdinosaurspastorsnewspapers

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greekmythology and naked women. Actually, dinosaurs are still pretty awesome. I miss my own thoughts. I think.

     I don't think I've ever really wanted anything more than real friends and real thoughts. They have always been elusive for me. I  have the vague impression that I know what they are, and maybe I was even  well acquainted with them at some point, but now they are strangely mixed and diluted with every other foggy memory in my little brain. They are not real. My little brain. If I was privileged to meet one or even, God forbid both, what would I do with them. I'm positive I would not appreciate them, because I would already be thinking about something else I imagine to be lacking. I would be fully immersed in a different fantasy. I would even be irritated by my real friend or real thought. They would quickly become an unbearable and disgusting inconvenience and I would wish more than anything to be without them. Of course until they were irretrievably  gone and then I would miss them terribly. Maybe I think not.